When I was in the fifth grade my best friend Nikki and I would spend every day after school playing together. We had a lot of toys to entertain ourselves with. Our favorites were the "Littlest Pet Shops", these minature animals that we collected.
But one of our other favorite activities was laying on the floor on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, and daydreaming. We'd lay there for what felt like hours. I had a huge crush on this guy named Mike who was in my class, and Nikki on a boy in her class. We would lay in silence making up cute stories about holding hands with our crushes at the park, or even getting a kiss on the cheek. Once one of us felt we had a good story we'd tell the other what we had imagined.
Where was the sense of urgency that now bombards my imagination? How was I ever able to relax without guilt or anxiety?
I hate this feeling of defeat that I carry around. This feeling like I'm so far behind I will never catch up, so that even when I am running my hardest I feel like I am wounded and dragging my body along the ground.
I'm sure I could write out some quick-fix solution here but I'm too freaking tired. Goodnight.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
Yeah, can't think of a title.
Feeling good right now. My thoughts and emotions have been a swirling mess for the last week or so, but this evening I'm starting to come out of it.
Stopping the anxiety came after praying all day today. Every time a nervous thought came into my head I immediately prayed for it to go away and prayed even harder about the task I was supposed to be doing instead. This advice came from my awesome roomate, Bill. It was most helpful.
But what I realized, or I should say "re-realized", was that quieting mental chaos usually reveals the scary voices you were using the anxiety to cover up. So when those issues began to emerge... wow... and I know this evening was just the beginning.
However, I am still feeling good right now, peaceful. I'm going to be putting my focus back on what I need to be focusing on, which is my spiritual life and relationship with God. I know that sounds cheesy, but I don't have the brain power to say it any other way right now... I'm SO sleepy.
I'll have to elaborate some other time. Goodnight!
Stopping the anxiety came after praying all day today. Every time a nervous thought came into my head I immediately prayed for it to go away and prayed even harder about the task I was supposed to be doing instead. This advice came from my awesome roomate, Bill. It was most helpful.
But what I realized, or I should say "re-realized", was that quieting mental chaos usually reveals the scary voices you were using the anxiety to cover up. So when those issues began to emerge... wow... and I know this evening was just the beginning.
However, I am still feeling good right now, peaceful. I'm going to be putting my focus back on what I need to be focusing on, which is my spiritual life and relationship with God. I know that sounds cheesy, but I don't have the brain power to say it any other way right now... I'm SO sleepy.
I'll have to elaborate some other time. Goodnight!
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