Gave it Away

I've lost my name
Now I'm just that girl
Who does the things the other girls won't do
You give me a smile
And get my attention for a while
All I ask is that you tell me when we're through

And it might not hurt so bad
It might not hurt so bad
It might not hurt so bad

Yeah, it might feel better
If you had taken it from me
But the truth is I gave it away

Free Fall

I love when people sing me songs. There are several people that I will demand to sing. I called up my friend James this evening just because I wanted to hear a ThirdEyeBlind song called Motorcycle Drive-by. It's an awesome song that, as my friend James put it, "even people who own the CD haven't heard of".

"Summertime and the wind is blowing outside in lower Chelsea and I don't know what I'm doing in this city. The sun is always in my eyes. It crashes through the window as I'm sleeping on the couch when I came to visit you. That's when I knew that I could never have you. I knew that before you did. Still I'm the one who's stupid. And there's this burning, like there's always been. I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive."

So alone and so alive. That line is how I have been feeling. Like I'm about to leap from a plane with no parachute, jump off a bridge with no bungee cord, swing from a trapeze with no net... When I think of the endeavors in my near future I am terrified and immediately I feel my adrenaline start pumping. I am hesitant and I think, "NO, there must be a net! There must be something to stop these events from occurring!" But there isn't, I just plummet toward my future, attempting to grab on to anything that seems remotely stable. However, I feel at this point in my life God wants me to be very unstable. And that is frightening, exhilarating, and annoying as hell.

Juggling

I am attempting to juggle too many tasks. They just keep dropping and dropping. When I try to bend down and pick one up I accidently smush it into the ground instead.

Missing Him

Where is God? Same place he has always been, I suppose. At least that's the craderroll answer. I just haven't been hearing much from him lately. I'm probably shutting him out. That wouldn't surprise me, as I haven't been wanting to listen much. I am asking for an answer and closing my ears to the answer at the same time.

The end of my last relationship is the last I remember really - I mean REALLY - hearing God. I was in a relationship that was so toxic that I couldn't do anything but wallow in our self-created situation. Wallow and hope it would somehow get better. And pray. I prayed all the time. So when I saw health and hope it was so evident. It didn't fit, it stuck out and refused to be ignored. I could hear God saying "do this", "go here", "stop". My creativity was flowing, my relationships were shifting, and I could see God working everywhere. There was a huge contrast between how I felt in this atmosphere and how I felt in my relationship. I had to get out. So I did.

And then nothing. My creativity dried up, I became really depressed. I was hoping that after I got over my relationship that God's direction and that passion would return. But it hasn't.

I just needed God so much during that time. And even though things are okay now I still need him and still long for that direction. I miss it a lot. I hope it comes back soon.

AHHHHhhh

I am going crazy. I can not concentrate for one more second. I wish I was home watching TV. or sleeping. I wish I was starting my own home business. I wish I could quit today. Jessy is so awesome, I would really miss the people here. I worry about what they think of me. I think they think I am lazy. I am lazy. But I still wish they didn’t think that.

I’m supposed to be working on meeting minutes right now. Yeah, not happening. This whole week has been somewhat unproductive. But I’m just proud of myself for even being here. That’s a success in my book. Perhaps my standards are not very high… okay, they are VERY VERY low… but still, it is a success that I haven’t run away….

Yet.