Reason to Believe

I spent most of my New Year's Eve sorting through the junk in my room. I am a serious pack-rat who is trying to stop her hording tendencies. I guess you could call that one of my "New Year's Resolutions".

Unfortunately tonight I'm having a "New Year's Disillusion". Being at home alone wasn't exactly how I had planned to spend this evening. And there is a chance that I may talk myself into hanging out with my friends instead. I think this pack rat is trying to hibernate in her cozy bed of random stuff and the memories they are attached to. So much junk. So many painful memories. What a waste of a year.

But I know that is just me being pesimistic, and as soon as I'm with my friends I will be laughing and having a great time. I think I'm just scared. I feel completely unprepared for the tasks that are ahead of me. Yet somewhere, underneath a thousand layers of fear, I have a faint and distant memory of a time, only a month or two ago, that I was brave and ready to start a new adventurous life. I was really looking forward to the possibilities that this new year would bring, but now I am terrified.

I guess that's okay. There are many stories in the bible about people being afraid. Being afraid is only bad when it paralyzes you. That's why I have to keep moving.

I pray that you all have a fun evening.
Happy New Year, everyone.

"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last..."

Not The Best Idea

I called him today. I was listening to NPR at work and heard that there is a fire in Oklahoma that has destroyed some homes and killed a few people. My ex-boyfriend lives in Oklahoma and I was worried about him and his family. So like an idiot I dialed him up. To my surprise, he answered.

I quickly and quietly rattled off my crazy concern about fires taking over his home. He replies angerly through his teeth "We're fine." I laugh a soft nervous laugh, "Okay... I was just worried." After a long, uncomfortable pause, he sternly replies, "Good-bye." We hang up.

I continue with my work, wanting to smack my own forehead for calling about something so stupid (that could have been looked up on the internet). Gosh he does have a sexy voice, though.

A few minutes later my phone rings. He is more angry. Angry isn't even the word for it, actually, he was furious. He precedes to rant for almost twenty minutes straight, during which time he shared with me:

1) I am evil
2) He is not evil
3) I am not allowed to call him ever again
4) I am to send him his things immediately
5) I am not allowed to call his family ever again
6) I am evil
7) Even though I broke up with him, I still should have moved to Oklahoma as a friend to support him and his family.
8) We are never going to be friends, I lost that right
9) I am supposed to apologize and say that I was wrong for breaking up with ("abandoning") him at this time
10) I am really REALLY evil
11) I am not allowed to love him
12) I am not allowed to care or worry about him
13) If I should choose to try and get back together with him I must be willing to admit all of the above
14) His house will be done in February, and I may have a chance of still getting married and doing all of the above.

It was a horrible phone call. It was an unnecessary phone call. I do not intend to repeat it. I listened, agreed with some things, disagreed with some things, and that's that.

Well, some friends just arrived to steal me away for the evening. Thank you for letting me vent. I only hope that someday he comes to understand why I broke up with him, and maybe we can be friends.

I still miss him.

Alone.

My roomates are gone until next week leaving me to guard our 3 bedroom castle alone. But I am no more alone then I was before they left - alone in my mind, anyway. I haven't been blogging. I've barely been expressing the thoughts that are going on in my head to anyone but God, and that's only at night when I crawl into my bed to go to sleep.

Alone. I hate that word. I hate this feeling. And it's not going away anytime soon - at least not the alone I'm talking about.

I've gotten over much of the anger that I was holding toward my ex, and now all I'm left with is... nothing. Nothing but a swirling haze of vague images that periodically float together and form heart-wrenching memories.

We used to take showers together - not those kinds of showers - just "please pass the soap" and "how was your day?". I take very long showers and often he would climb out before me, wrap up in a towel, and sit on the toilet seat cover until I was finished. When I finally climbed out he would have my towel ready. He'd open it up, wrap it and his arms around me and pull me onto his lap. Then he'd hold me tight until I stopped shaking and caught my breath (climbing out of the shower with my small lung capacity is not always easy). His short hair would be soft and damp and I'd glide my fingers over it. The water would make his long eye lashes look even longer and darker, bringing out the most beautiful green eyes... eyes full of gentleness and affection. Then he'd pick me up and carry me to his room, wrap me up with blankets and we'd cuddle and kiss and watch movies.

I really love him, and memories like these have been hitting me hard this last week or two, but please be assured that I have no intention of ever dating him again. I'm just looking forward to dating some new people, when I'm ready. I'd like to make some new memories, so that I will stop worrying that I am going to be alone forever.

Well, that's all my time for this evening. Sorry that I am not writing so well, but I figured if I didn't write something then 1) I may never wite again because I'll keep putting it off and 2) my friends will continue to bother me about not blogging.

Goodnight.

Pretty View (continued once again)

So I'm still working on this song, and it is driving me crazy. The tune is constantly in my head, yet I still am unable to complete lyrics. At least I have the music all written. Hopefully this week I will head over to my friend Mike's who has some recording equipment and get it laid down. That'll be so awesome - my first song being recorded! Of course we'll just be laying down the music, no vocals. But that's okay, it'll just be nice to hear the music I hear on my head coming out of a pair of speakers. I'm very excited!

I'll definitely set up a link so that you can hear it once it's done! Aren't you excited?

Girl With a View (continued...)

Still working on this song. I changed some of the music to make the chorus and verses flow into each other smoother. Here's part of the adaption:

I put on this dress for you
And if you like the view
Then please don’t leave me standing here
When I pass your way
I rock my hips, and sway
And pull my fingers through my hair
Try to pretend like I don’t care
That you don’t see me standing here

Girl With a View

My lunchtime at work is almost over, but I've been working on that song I started last night and I wanted to post part of it. I wish you could hear the music, but hopefully someday I'll be able to include that. For now, here are some of the lyrics. There is more, but I'm having to change most of it because my chorus and verses are switching places and blah blah blah...

I put on this dress for you
and if you like the view,
then please don't leave me standing here
As I pass your way
I rock my hips and sway
But you don't see me standing here

Oh so lovely
I'm oh so lovely
Such a pretty view
I'd be oh so lovely
If you'll love me
Your own pretty view

Pretty View

I just realized how late it is, and I must dash off to bed. I lost track of time working on a new song, titled "Pretty View" and talking to a friend of mine about absolutely nothing (my favorite subject).

This, of course, leaves no time to blog. I will return tomorrow, though, and post my song. Have a good evening, everyone!

Spider-Killing Training and Procedures

I wrote this blog a few weeks ago and forgot to post it. Here is a story of a true hero, my boss.


Today I was standing in my office, staring into space. In the corner there was a most ferocious looking spider. I wanted to squash it, but I was both afraid and guilt ridden (poor spider!). Not to mention I was wearing slip-on shoes, and the safety of my toes could have easily been compromised. I've watched the Discovery Channel - this fellow was definitely of the flesh-eating variety.

Lost in my internal torment, I began to go into a daze. I was alone in the office - everyone was working in the field.

It was just me and him.

Suddenly I heard a voice, causing me to jump and gasp. It was the Executive Director of our company. She was standing there looking very professional, but with her grandmotherly approachability.

She apologized for startling me. As to not appear like I was being unproductive (after all, she did just walk in to find me standing away from my desk, eyes glazed over, staring into a corner) I nervously laughed and said, "It's okay! I was just standing here trying to figure out exactly what to do about this spider."

(Wow. Alicia scores 0 compentence points for the day).

Without a word she walks by in her 4 inch heels, steps over the power cord from my portable stereo, and stomps down on that wild beast of a spider. Unfortunately she misses, and the spider runs behind my cabinet, but I try not to think about that part or else I'll go crazy wondering where it went (or more importantly, where it is today). But I was still amazed. It was as though the First Lady herself had come to my office to help me blow my nose, or something.

As she left I was still nervous, words stumbling from my mouth. I said, jokingly, "There is no doubt in my mind that you have been fully trained to be our leader." She laughed (whew, thank goodness).

Waiting

Being someone who does not drive and therefore must rely on others for transportation, I have spent much of my life waiting. Whether it be for a bus, a friend, a family member; in the heat, the cold, rain or shine - I wait. I wait a lot.

As a matter of fact I am waiting at this very moment.

And this moment.

And this moment.

And this moment as well.

Work is over, and everyone in my office left long ago. They all climbed into their vehicles and rode off into the sunset, leaving only me and the cleaning crew. On most nights I can get a ride from someone in my department, as they are all very generous. But today a friend of mine offered to pick me up and I accepted, even though I knew she may not be able to reach me by 5 o'clock. I try to alternate my "bumming" as to not wear out my welcome with any one driver.

I am so tired of waiting on other peoples' schedules, and I am equally tired of burdening those around me with my needs. I mean, support is a wonderful part of friendship - but come on, it's time to take care of this task on my own.

One of my friends is going to be taking his driving test for his license tomorrow, and I am so jealous. My official classes do not start for a few more weeks. But I'm getting myself mentally ready.

I WILL DRIVE.
I WILL BE INDEPENDENT.
I WILL GET A MILK SHAKE WHENEVER I WANT, BECAUSE JACK IN THE BOX IS OPEN ALL NIGHT.

I can hardly wait.
But I have to.

NOT FOR LONG, THOUGH!

Questions to think about: What's something in your life that you are currently anticipating? How do you think it will change your life for the better? For the worse? Is it worth it?

"Son, sit down..."

Yesterday was my ex-boyfriend, Dalan's, birthday. We dated for a year in high school (I was a freshman, he was a junior). We remain friends who speak throughout the year and visit each other during Christmas time.

I called him yesterday to sing him his birthday song, and remind him that I do care. I am almost impossible to get ahold of at times, because it takes much mental energy for me to speak to some of my old friends. Therefore, I do not always return their calls so quickly.

When we were dating back in...oh... '97?... Christmas time came, and I was invited to a family get together. It was a birthday/Christmas-tree-aquiring party. The weather was awful that day - it poured and poured. It was my first time going to a Christmas tree farm where you actually got to chop down your own tree. We all stood in the rain and froze while Dalan's little brother took an ax and whacked away.

I remember there was this little cousin of Dalan's who was the same height as me, probably about 7 years old. She and I had the same short, blond haircut. At one point she walked up and stood next to Dalan. I was behind them in the kitchen and noticed him naturally reach down and put his arm around her. I smiled to myself, knowing that he had mistaken her for me. Luckily back then I would never have let a guy grab my butt or anything, so the girl was safe. I walked around them and stood by one of his other relatives. He looked over after a couple minutes, smiling calmly, then suddenly realized "Wait, if that's Alicia...?" He looked down quickly, patted her on the head in an embarrased fashion, then walked over to put his arm around me.

We spent the rest of the day cuddling on the couch. It was nice.

When I got home my dad was getting ready for work. There was never much time to talk to my dad in the evenings, or ever really. I briefly told him that I had a good time, and that I needed to go take my socks off. It was still raining outside, and my socks had gotten wet again. I walked toward our laundry room, pulling off my socks. My dad went crazy. He started yelling, his face scrunching up in his signature angry scowl. He threw his arms up in the air. When my dad gets mad he stutters, so angry that he can barely get the words out. Waiting for those words... so much anxiety was created, waiting. I wished he would just throw it out there quickly, curse me out, get it over with.

This particular fit, although I know differently now, was supposedly about my inability to listen. He thought I had walked around in wet socks the entire day, and was going to catch pnemonia. He launched into, "I don't know why I bother telling you things Alicia! No one in this fucking house listens to me! You and your mother do whatever the hell you want! I'm not going to fucking say anything anymore!"

And he didn't for almost a week. I came home a few days later to find a Christmas tree standing in our living room. Every year since I was born we had picked out the Christmas tree together. I was heartbroken. This was an ugly tree, but I guess we were an uglier family.

The day he started speaking to me again we walked down the street to watch the Lathrop Christmas parade. For those of you who know the size of Lathrop, you probably can imagine the extravigance of their Christmas parade. On our way back to the house he said he was sorry, and then proceeded to tell me about the Bible's view on the manner. "The man is the head of the household, Alicia..."

Respect. That's what me and my mother were lacking.

During one of my father's rants, probably a couple months later, he became upset because he had not yet met Dalan. Dalan didn't drive at the time, so the we only really hung on campus before and after school. This blowout was the worse I had seen my father. I was alone with him, my mother was still at work. Out of the blue he became furious that Dalan had not been presented for his approval. He yelled at me for some time, then continued yelling off and on as he walked through the house. From his room in the back I could hear him throwing objects, and slamming the walls. I just sat in my room, waiting for it to be over so that I could receive my directions.

I always became quiet when he was angry. I tried not to show any emotion. Sadness, laughter - any reaction that I made would cause more anger, and it would take that much longer. Sometimes even a lack of reaction became offensive to him. "Say something, Alicia! What the hell is wrong with you?"

When Dalan showed up the next day my father was getting ready for work in his bedroom. Dalan sat down on one of our couches, next to me. My father came into the room, and in a friendly, yet stern manner, held out his arm for a handshake. Dalan took his hand, and stood up politely. My father's head moved backward as he rose. My father is 5ft7in and Dalan is well above 6ft. My dad, caught off-guard, stared upward and continued to shake his hand. Then, after a moment, he nervously said "Uh.. Son.. sit down..."

Happy Birthday Dalan. Although things with my father are much better now, this is still a funny memory for me. Thanks for letting me see my father shake in his boots for a minute. It was a nice site, at the time!

Come and Go

Men, they come
And men, they go...

I was with this guy for seven years
He knew all my thoughts
And all my fears
But I guess somewhere we went wrong
I woke up one morning, and he was gone

Tell me where did my baby go?
He’s probably off chasin’ some hoe
‘Cause if there’s anything in this world I know
It’s men, they come
And men, they go
But I still miss my baby so

I met a guy the other day
Who asked me to come out and play
What was right tonight,
Felt so wrong
I woke up in the morning, and he was gone

Tell me where did my baby go?
He’s probably off chasin’ some hoe
‘Cause if there’s anything in this world I know
It’s men, they come
And men, they go
But I still miss my baby so

Here he comes
Now watch him go
Playin’ his game
His little one man show
Nothing you can do
It’s just a natural flow
‘Cause men, they come
And men, they go

Men, they come
And men, they go
Men, they come
And men, they go
Here he comes,
Now watch him go
Men, they come
And men, they go

But I still miss my baby so...