So Much for Romance

So all day I'm looking forward to hanging out with my new boyfriend for the evening.

THE PLAN: snuggle and watch movies with a brief break while i do my one hour shift in the 24/7 prayer room at church, then return to snuggling at my place and watch movies until all hours of the night.

Awesome, right? We get to my house, turn on Batman cartoons from our best friend Netflix, and get our cuddle on. A few minutes go by when we are interrupted by my roomates' sweet daughter, Charlotte, who is five. She has a question from the roomies in the living room who are too lazy to come ask me themselves: "Do you want to watch 'Lost'". I decline their offer since there was not much time before I was leaving for the prayer room. Charlotte walks out to the living room, then returns to watch Batman with us. How can we refuse? She's so sweet. So she climbs onto the bed with us and sits at the end, her eyes glued to the screen.

A few minutes later her sister figures out that a party is going on in my room. Deborah is almost two. She breaks down my door, walks in, and demands in toddler language to join us. I lift her up onto the bed.

Now Adam is a big guy. He takes up most of my twin-sized waterbed. Yet this two year old girl manages to hog all of our space! How is this possible? Finally, after much rearranging, we find a semi-comfortable way for four people to be on my little bed. Oh, and Poohbear as well. A few minutes later the episode ends. It is time to go to the prayer room.

Man the hour flies in that room. It's such a freaking cool place. Next thing I know I hear a car pull up. I'm sad that my prayer time is over but once again excited to be able to spend time with Adam. Door opens, and he's there all right, along with Bill and Phil. I ask Adam if we're still watching movies later and he says yes, so cool. I don't care if we hang out with Bill and Phil, I love Bill and Phil, as long as I get my freaking cuddle time.

So Bill, Phil and Adam kidnap me and take me to Carl's Jr. where they discuss some preaching plans for a Youth Raley Adam is speaking at. Gosh he's so hot. Anywho, they are talking and it's cool. We're having fun. Yea. I get some orange soda spilled on me, whatever. It's fun.

We drive back to my house, joking about masturbation, then Adam drives Phil home. I go inside to practice my gee-tar until he gets back. When he arrives cuddle-time commences. We are watching Ferris Bueller's day off because my crazy boyfriend has never seen it. I know! What the heck, right?

So we're watching it when suddenly he gets sick to his stomach. He disappears for a while, comes back, still isn't feeling good. I hate when there's nothing you can do but watch someone you care about feel like crap. Finally I just let him fall asleep.

Right now he's sleeping in my room and I'm out here writing this blog. I figured anything I did would be more annoying than helpful. I'll be waking him up in a couple hours for his 3 AM shift in the prayer room. I hope he feels better by then!

Poor guy.

Well, so much for a romantic evening!

"Bueller...?
Bueller....?"

Gave it Away

I've lost my name
Now I'm just that girl
Who does the things the other girls won't do
You give me a smile
And get my attention for a while
All I ask is that you tell me when we're through

And it might not hurt so bad
It might not hurt so bad
It might not hurt so bad

Yeah, it might feel better
If you had taken it from me
But the truth is I gave it away

Free Fall

I love when people sing me songs. There are several people that I will demand to sing. I called up my friend James this evening just because I wanted to hear a ThirdEyeBlind song called Motorcycle Drive-by. It's an awesome song that, as my friend James put it, "even people who own the CD haven't heard of".

"Summertime and the wind is blowing outside in lower Chelsea and I don't know what I'm doing in this city. The sun is always in my eyes. It crashes through the window as I'm sleeping on the couch when I came to visit you. That's when I knew that I could never have you. I knew that before you did. Still I'm the one who's stupid. And there's this burning, like there's always been. I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive."

So alone and so alive. That line is how I have been feeling. Like I'm about to leap from a plane with no parachute, jump off a bridge with no bungee cord, swing from a trapeze with no net... When I think of the endeavors in my near future I am terrified and immediately I feel my adrenaline start pumping. I am hesitant and I think, "NO, there must be a net! There must be something to stop these events from occurring!" But there isn't, I just plummet toward my future, attempting to grab on to anything that seems remotely stable. However, I feel at this point in my life God wants me to be very unstable. And that is frightening, exhilarating, and annoying as hell.

Juggling

I am attempting to juggle too many tasks. They just keep dropping and dropping. When I try to bend down and pick one up I accidently smush it into the ground instead.

Missing Him

Where is God? Same place he has always been, I suppose. At least that's the craderroll answer. I just haven't been hearing much from him lately. I'm probably shutting him out. That wouldn't surprise me, as I haven't been wanting to listen much. I am asking for an answer and closing my ears to the answer at the same time.

The end of my last relationship is the last I remember really - I mean REALLY - hearing God. I was in a relationship that was so toxic that I couldn't do anything but wallow in our self-created situation. Wallow and hope it would somehow get better. And pray. I prayed all the time. So when I saw health and hope it was so evident. It didn't fit, it stuck out and refused to be ignored. I could hear God saying "do this", "go here", "stop". My creativity was flowing, my relationships were shifting, and I could see God working everywhere. There was a huge contrast between how I felt in this atmosphere and how I felt in my relationship. I had to get out. So I did.

And then nothing. My creativity dried up, I became really depressed. I was hoping that after I got over my relationship that God's direction and that passion would return. But it hasn't.

I just needed God so much during that time. And even though things are okay now I still need him and still long for that direction. I miss it a lot. I hope it comes back soon.

AHHHHhhh

I am going crazy. I can not concentrate for one more second. I wish I was home watching TV. or sleeping. I wish I was starting my own home business. I wish I could quit today. Jessy is so awesome, I would really miss the people here. I worry about what they think of me. I think they think I am lazy. I am lazy. But I still wish they didn’t think that.

I’m supposed to be working on meeting minutes right now. Yeah, not happening. This whole week has been somewhat unproductive. But I’m just proud of myself for even being here. That’s a success in my book. Perhaps my standards are not very high… okay, they are VERY VERY low… but still, it is a success that I haven’t run away….

Yet.

Random Rambles of an Ex-Daydreamer

When I was in the fifth grade my best friend Nikki and I would spend every day after school playing together. We had a lot of toys to entertain ourselves with. Our favorites were the "Littlest Pet Shops", these minature animals that we collected.

But one of our other favorite activities was laying on the floor on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, and daydreaming. We'd lay there for what felt like hours. I had a huge crush on this guy named Mike who was in my class, and Nikki on a boy in her class. We would lay in silence making up cute stories about holding hands with our crushes at the park, or even getting a kiss on the cheek. Once one of us felt we had a good story we'd tell the other what we had imagined.

Where was the sense of urgency that now bombards my imagination? How was I ever able to relax without guilt or anxiety?

I hate this feeling of defeat that I carry around. This feeling like I'm so far behind I will never catch up, so that even when I am running my hardest I feel like I am wounded and dragging my body along the ground.

I'm sure I could write out some quick-fix solution here but I'm too freaking tired. Goodnight.

Yeah, can't think of a title.

Feeling good right now. My thoughts and emotions have been a swirling mess for the last week or so, but this evening I'm starting to come out of it.

Stopping the anxiety came after praying all day today. Every time a nervous thought came into my head I immediately prayed for it to go away and prayed even harder about the task I was supposed to be doing instead. This advice came from my awesome roomate, Bill. It was most helpful.

But what I realized, or I should say "re-realized", was that quieting mental chaos usually reveals the scary voices you were using the anxiety to cover up. So when those issues began to emerge... wow... and I know this evening was just the beginning.

However, I am still feeling good right now, peaceful. I'm going to be putting my focus back on what I need to be focusing on, which is my spiritual life and relationship with God. I know that sounds cheesy, but I don't have the brain power to say it any other way right now... I'm SO sleepy.

I'll have to elaborate some other time. Goodnight!

Those Naughty Soda Bottles

I was heating up my dinner this evening while mentally battering my self-confidence (utilizing my multi-tasking abilities for evil). By the time I pressed my glass against the fridge to activate the ice dispensor I had almost convinced myself that I was hopelessly incapable of writing well. I turned to the counter where several soda bottles and juice containers were sitting, and started to decide which would go best with my bean and rice burrito. I could not choose between the Root Beer or the Wild Cherry Pepsi, but before I could make up my mind my attention became focused on the bottles themselves. Something did not look right.

After a moment I realized what is was. The caps were switched! One had a white ring and blue cap, the other a blue ring and a white cap.

Who on earth would do such a thing?
Could it be less obvious which cap goes where?
Were the caps the same size, or was one of the bottles leaking?

I picked up the Wild Cherry Pepsi and shook it a little to see if it would fizzle. I thought this was a stupid method for testing the carbonation of soda - if there was only a little left, wouldn't I have just wasted it? But I had seen my friend James Martin (not to be confused with James McDuffie) do this a couple weeks earlier, so for some reason it became my solution as well. It did fizzle and I proceeded to pour the syrupy substance into my glass (a decision I am certain I will pay for later this evening).

Throughout this process I continued thinking about the cap mix-up, and even created a little story. It was a story of secret intimacy between two soda bottles. Surely there was a rendezvous, unseen by the people in our household, that resulted in this accidental exchange of caps in the night.

Suddenly I realized I had been staring at these bottles for several minutes, and determined that anyone who slips into daydreams about the love affairs of beverages must have a desire to write. And if there is desire and practice, I'm hoping ability will follow.