Beary Bittersweet

I often miss the feel of my old house in Milpitas. I lived there until I was 10. It was a four bedroom house and one room, which I dearly enjoyed playing in, was called the "t.v. room", because that is where our old, wooden relic of a t.v. had been banished to. Anything that did not have a place in the rest of the house was banished to this room, and by the time we moved it was completely covered with wonderful treasures. Once I created a tunnel underneath it all, and began using the mountain of objects as a fortress. Ahhh, back when clutter was entertainment. Today it is only stress.

But before this room was taken over by... well, everything... it was a nice room where I would play, read and listen to records. And, for one summer, my favorite record was Raffi's Christmas Album and my favorite books were the Berenstain Bears. I was pretty young, and I really enjoyed the fact that I could read them on my own. My mother had a day care in our home at the time, and it made me feel so much older and more mature then the other children, being able to kick back and read a book. What could they do? Play with dolls? Play in the sandbox out back? How childish. How preschool.

When I see Berenstain Bears books in the store, or on my roomate's daughter's bookshelf, it takes me back to that old house, and creates conflicting feelings. Sad and sentimental, safe and empty. The familiar square shape and plastic cover brings about a smile, and a tear.

That's how I felt yesterday, upon hearing the news that Stan Berenstain, co-auther of the Berenstain Bears children stories, had passed away. He was 82.

"Christmas time's a comin',
Christmas time's a comin',
Christmas time's a comin',
And I know I'm goin' home..."
-Raffi Christmas Album

Questions to think about: What were your favorite stories growing up? Do you own any of them today?

Late Night

Another day of very little productivity. I was thinking about staying up late to finish working on some stuff (hence the title) that I'll probably get chewed out tomorrow for not having completed. However, I have decided that no task is worth getting sick over. And if I stay up late I will most definitely get sick - everyone around me is dropping like flies, the last thing I need to do is make myself susceptible.

Instead, I am going to go to sleep.

Today was a truly awful day, and the fact that I think this was a truly awful day tells me I need to spend more time with someone who has a better idea of what "truly awful" looks like.

Goodnight. Thank you for reading my whining.

Moving Into the Driver's Seat

Once again it is my bedtime and I will only be writing a short blog. Thankfully my reader (hey Glo) is back, so all is well in the world.

Today was, in a word, unproductive. I was already dragging through my work days before my nice four-day vacation. So now trying to focus on filing and meeting minutes is just completely rediculous.

However, I am pushing myself to not flake out and quit. I do not plan to stay in my position forever, but I do not want to leave for the wrong reasons. I want to leave because I am moving on to something better, not because I would rather write all evening and sleep all day.

In the past I would have bailed out. I quit school in order to pursue my photography career. Unfortunately all I accomplished was watching a lot of television and sleeping (and sleeping, and sleeping).

I think once I am able to drive and I get my vehicle secured things will really open up for me. I even wrote a list today of all the things I am looking forward to doing once I can get around on my own, and on my own time.

Have guaranteed transportation to and from work
Have guaranteed transportation to and from school (if I should begin taking classes again)
Have guaranteed transportation to and from photoshoots
Have guaranteed transportation to and from the store
Have guaranteed transportation to Dr. appointments
Meet more people
Do more servant evangelism
Go and visit/pick up my friends/family when I feel like it
Go and check out our local museum
Go to plays and other productions
Go home on my lunch hour
Go anywhere on my lunch hour!
Scope out new sites for photoshoots
Go to the photo shop to have my prints professionally printed/mounted
Go to the library
Go to open mic night
Go buy food when it runs out
Go rent a movie
Go to a drive in

There were many more things on the list I wrote earlier. But the point is that my life has been severly limited by my fear of driving and procrastination in this area. I could have gotten my car situation cleared up a long time ago - made all of the appointments, got all of the adaptions. I let stupid things like my fear of asking for rides to the DMV and lessons, and my disabilities get in the way. No more excuses. I've got to get out of this house! And I want to do it on my terms, guilt free. No more bumming rides and feeling like a burden.

This list is so pitiful, really. When I typed "go to the local museum" i almost cried. I've lived in Stockton for three years, and ridden by that museum many, many times. I have friends who live 20 minutes away who might as well live in another country. The things on my list are so base, yet I have been denying myself the simplist activities for years. Six years.

It's time to get this taken care of. Lori, my roomate, is taking me driving once a week. My official lessons start on January 2nd, and I am so excited. My goal is to get my license by February.

Questions to think about: In what area(s) of your life have you let excuses get in the way? Why do we make excuses? How does this effect us? How does this effect those around us?

Soooooo Sleepy

Well, it's 10:30 and definitely time for bed. I didn't accomplish much today, I don't know why I am so tired. I feel like I did physical labor all day long.

In reality all I did was sit around and watch a friend of mine try to get his two kids to pose so that I could take a few pictures. Yeah, that didn't happen. His kids are really cool, but they were not having it today. They did, however, enjoy taking pictures with my camera themselves. They were cracking up, taking pictures of everything and nothing. It was fun to watch them.

I finally got a couple good shots of the girl once everyone else had given up and wandered off into other parts of the house. I used a trick I used to have to use with my roomate's daughter, Charlotte - you can take a few pictures, then I'll take a few pictures. Another good trick is to let them see the pictures you're taking every few shots or so. That's part of the beauty of digital. If you let them see how the pictures are turning out as you go they often rush back to take another one, or 10 if you're lucky.

Asking kids to sit down for a typical Sears photograph really isn't my thing. I like candid shots. That's why taking a kid out to the park or somewhere else fun is usually the best. But it was too cold today, so we attempted to take pictures in the house. Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, they weren't having it.

The pictures that the little girl (she's 6) took of me are quite funny, and I actually love them a lot! I told her father that he needs to get her a camera for Christmas. If I can gain the energy to download the pictures onto my computer, perhaps I will post a couple... All right, let me go get them.

Hmm, I think my favorite is the first one - my head cropped off so all you can see are my unusually long arms and legs, the dog lying curiously on the floor.

Well, it is time for me to go to bed. I must return to work tomorrow, this little vacation is over. It was a nice break - I wouldn't say relaxing, but nice. And now as I think about returning to my office I am filled with hope for the day that I am able to spend my days doing photography and writing. Ahhh, won't that be nice?

Oooops.

I was sitting down to write a nice long blog when suddenly I remembered I have a photoshoot first thing in the morning. I'm going to be taking holiday pictures of some close friends of mine.

I posted a song a little earlier that I started writing a couple days ago and then finished today. I know my songs are not the best, but if I keep plugging away I'll hopefully tap into something and write a song worthy of performance.

I've been exposing myself in many ways recently, and one of those ways is sharing things that I am working on before I have deemed them "done". It's that perfectionism - it makes it to where I can not share something until it is to my satisfaction. And unfortunately I am not easy to satisfy.

This is also why I am forcing myself to blog without checking for errors, because I know I will tear it apart!

Well, goodnight. I will share with you again, tomorrow.

Letting You Go

Glad to see that you've moved on so soon
Found someone new so easily
I know that you are mad at me
And think that I'm so crazy

You tell me I am cold
That I have sold out to the game
You blame all our problems on me
In the stories you tell
In the stories you tell
Tell, tell
While I'm wishing you well
And hoping you’re well
Well, well

Does it make you feel better
To say the things you say
To forget about your role
In the games we’ve played
Does it make you feel better
Does it make you feel better
Hating me so

I’ve got to let you go

I love how you forget how you
So quick, so quick
To follow your dick
So quick, so quick
Your memory lost
So tell me

Does it make you feel better
To say the things you say
To forget about your role
In the games we’ve played

Does it make you feel better
After all we’ve been through
To yell in my face and say
I don’t love you

Does it make you feel better
Does it make you feel better
Hating me so

I’m letting you
Letting you go
Oh, oh
I’m letting you go
Letting you go

Shopping Exhaustion

I am super tired, and at a loss for words tonight - probably due to the seven hours of shopping that started at 4:45 AM.

It was a lot of fun, I think I got a few nice things. I honestly didn't buy much, I just enjoyed going from store to store with my roomates.

I think I may have bought more if I hadn't experienced the true meaning of Christmas at our very first stop. While waiting in line at the first store, Circuit City, Charlie Brown's Christmas was playing on a huge flat screen TV. I couldn't hear it, but I watched the scene where Charlie Brown and Linus are walking through the Christmas tree farm, and looking at all these neon colored trees until finally they come accross the little tree with practically no branches or needles. It just put me in the right frame of mind. If you haven't seen "A Charlie Brown Christmas" then wow, where have you been? And more importantly, GO WATCH IT NOW. It's a classic.

Because I am so exhausted I'm not going to say much tonight. I just want to force myself to keep the routine of blogging every evening, even if it's brief.

Anywho, happy shopping-day-after-Thanksgiving to everyone! And Merry Christmas!

Thankful for Thanksgiving

I don't have too much time to talk this evening, as I must be up at 4:30 AM for some morning-after-Thanksgiving shopping (also known by my friend Adam as "suicide shopping").

But after my blog yesterday about the holidays, I just wanted to say that this years Thanksgiving felt really nice. In the past my mother and I have been invited to many celebrations, but it always felt like we were a couple orphans being taken in by other caring families.

However, this was the third year my mother and I have spent Thanksgiving with this particular branch of our VERY large family tree. So this year it started feeling like a holiday should feel like - tradition!

I spent a majority of my visit with two of my cousins. We spent an hour trying to figure out exactly how we are related... my mom's cousin's uncle's grandma's aunt's children. lol. Okay, I actually think they are both 3rd cousins. My mom's cousin's children. They are both so cute!


One is named Laura. She and I have hung out at family reunions since we were little. I have pictures of us playing in the horseshoe pits and chasing ducks around at the lake. She is pretty awesome.








The other is named Adam (not to be confused with the Adam mentioned earlier). He is really nice, and accidently thought I was 24 so he is A-okay in my book, lol. This, of course, being a great compliment since yesterday two different people mistook me for a 12 year old.








And this is the gnome in my Aunt Ruby's garden. He didn't have much to say, but he rocks.





I have so much I want to say. I've had a lot on my mind, which I'm sure is common for this time of year, and I really want to express all of these various thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately my time is up for this evening, and I must go to sleep.

There are a million things that I am thankful for, but number one tonight is the fact that I am going to sleep happy. I haven't ended a holiday with a comforting closure in years. Thanks for being a part of that.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Christmas

I don't even know where to begin. I have so many things that I want to talk about, but none of it is very interesting. Just some random thoughts, most of which I have already expressed to the people who ordinarily read my blogs. I may get a little scattered, so try and keep up.

I can not wait until the day after Thanksgiving, when I can finally start playing this holiday mix I have put together. Every year I create a Christmas CD that is sort of... I dunno, Christmas to me. It has some Charlie Brown's Christmas, some Christmas songs to a dance beat, some Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Christmas tunes with an electric guitar - come on, it doesn't get much better then that). But creating this CD is usually the only part of Christmas I really partake in. I don't make great plans... I just have my mom come visit, and watch my roomates' daughters open presents.

I used to go up with my parents to the mountains for Christmas. Growing up, I loved that trip. My great aunt and uncle lived in a small house, but it had a huge patio that was enclosed with 1/2 high walls with big screen windows. There back yard would be covered with snow, and lead straight into rows and rows of trees. It seemed like a huge forest at the time, only now I think that may have been my young imagination. But we'd see deer, and drink hot cocoa, and build snow men. My favorite part was getting to sleep in my sleeping bag out on that porch. It'd be so cold, but toasty inside my bag. I'd go to sleep shivering, but wake up so warm that the cold air would feel wonderful against my skin. And even though we were hours away from home, Santa was somehow always able to find us. Back then my great grandpa was alive. He would sit in his chair quietly, rarely speaking. But looking back I realize how much he loved for us to visit, and I remember that every year he would buy me a new dress.

One year we went up for Christmas, and my great grandpa had to be in a home. He came to the house for a while, but my great aunt and uncle could no longer take care of him twenty-four hours a day. I remember going to say goodbye to him in the home. He looked the same as always, straight faced, quiet. My grandmother, his daughter in law, said "We love you Frank" as we were leaving, and to my surprise he said "I'm glad someone does." I was shocked, I never knew my great grandpa had feelings, I mean, he always sat there, I never really thought about it. I felt so awful that we had to leave.

That's the last time my parents and I saw him. I'm not sure if we had any more Christmas' up there, but I don't think there were many more. We started doing Christmas at home. So pretty much it was the end of Christmas. Even more so, once my parents separated.

The last several years... probably since my sophmore year of high school, in 1999, I have felt like a drifter during the holidays. I've had holidays with my mother, with my father, with both, with friends, with other family, alone. My roomates have really included me, as much as possible, but still... I just don't have a place. And I feel worse for my mother. I can't imagine what it's like being married, having someone promise to be there forever, and then sleeping all day alone on Christmas because you had to work the night before. That's what she did last year. Last year I was supposed to be in Oklahoma with my now ex-boyfriend, and my mother was supposed to be on a cruise. Both of our trips ended up being canceled, but I don't remember why we didn't end up together. I do know, however, she has vowed never to do that again. It was too depressing.

I know a lot of people feel lonely during the holidays. Part of my sadness this year comes from knowing that I was only a "yes" away from starting my own family, and instead I said "no". I know this was the right decision, but it's still tough knowing that the lonliness was so close to ending, and now it will continue. I will be invited to 50 holiday events, but none of them will feel like cocoa and snow, sleeping on a porch in the mountains, worrying that Santa won't know I have temporarily relocated.

But while I have felt like this for years, I still have some excitement about the upcoming holidays... I have a little Christmas spirit creeping into my vains. But mostly, I am excited about new years. I feel like this year was a complete waste. If you wiped it from my life's record, I'm not sure you would even notice. Okay, lets be fair to myself... I have grown some, and at least I have made this decision once and for all. However, I am ready to put this year behind and move on to the possibilities that await me.

I'm looking forward to doing more creative work, taking some major steps toward a new career.

I'm FINALLY going to be learning how to drive! My roomate, Lori, is taking me out this weekend to practice, and my first official lessons start January 2nd! Talk about a great new year's resolution!

I'm also looking forward to healing more, and perhaps dating for the first time in.... wow.... 7 years? Gees. I can't wait to get out there, meet some new people, make some new friends.

Speaking of which, my roomate has recommended that I make some more friends who are girls. That is tough. Most girls drive me insane.

Well, it is time for bed. I will be taking the train to Merced tomorrow, my mother and I are going to see some relatives for Thanksgiving. Of course I will be back tomorrow evening, so that I have plenty of rest before my early morning shopping spree! And I'll be playing my new Christmas mix all day!

Old News

I saw myself walking down the street yesterday
Caught a glimpse of myself,
It was something about the way
She moved

I thought hey that girl
She might not know it
But what she’s thinking
I’ve already wrote it
Old news
There’s nothing she can do that ain’t
Old news

There’s only one woman walking ‘round this world today
She may have different ways of playin'
the many games she plays
So smooth

But hey, hey girl
You may not know it
That candle you’re lightin’
I’ve already blown it
Old news

I said hey, hey girl
While your grass is growin'
The weather here is already snowin'
Old news
There's nothing you can do
You're so smooth
But there's nothing you can do, that ain't
Old news

Good Guys

“It’s a sign,” I told myself, while riding down the street last weekend. I laughed gloomily at my accidental pun. “Well, of course it’s a sign.” Large words ran across the front of the local Good Guys building. “GOING OUT OF BUSINESS,” it read, declaring the company’s financial state to those driving up and down Hammer Lane.

This was not a surprise. I have known for some time the company was closing its doors. Weeks ago I read in the newspaper that they were unable to compete with another company, CompUSA, and were going bankrupt. But the words meant more to me then the end of a business I was never the customer of in the first place.

It was only one day after I had broken up with my boyfriend of seven years. I was, and continue to be, depressed, mourning the loss of a very important person in my life. Part of grieving for me, as it is for a lot of people, is wondering if I will find someone new. Will I be alone forever? Is there someone else out there for me?

These concerns were among the many doing the cha-cha over my relationship’s metaphorical grave when I looked up to see my fear displayed in bold letters:

“Good Guys – GOING OUT OF BUSINESS.”

Could it be a sign? Yes, yes, I know it was a sign. It was a literal sign announcing the Good Guys misfortune. But was it also a sign of my misfortune? After all, most of the guys I meet, like this store, have discounted themselves for quick liquidation (Okay, that pun was intended).

I could hear the TV announcer’s voice:

“Better act fast! All potential mates will be gone soon. Their morals and self-control have got to go! Come on down – they’re just giving it away!”

There was a time when I would have wandered down to see what kind of deal I could find. The goal in bargain shopping? Pay less and get more. I have often chosen someone because they were within my price range; I didn’t feel like I deserved what I really wanted. I always stayed safe, thrifty.

To give more of myself now and step out of my comfort zone will be very scary. I could risk losing what little investment of self-esteem I have left. Most of my emotional savings have been depleted from frequent withdraws and smaller, less frequent deposits. I must be willing to save up for what I know I want.

What I want is a relationship built of durable, spiritual material that will hold up to wear and tear. My reservations about the quality of my last relationship partially explains why I kept my ex-boyfriend on layaway for seven years, only to let him be restocked.

After purchasing several relationships from the discount rack only to have them faded or shredded after two washes, I have finally realized an important shopping truth that applies equally to dating – you get what you pay for.

I do not feel ready for the department store (in my case a bigger church, with a wide selection of potential mates), or even the home shopping network (internet dating). Still, I look forward to the day when I meet a "good guy", and will be courageous enough to feel like I have a chance with him.

Despite preparation and planning, no relationship comes with a lifetime guaranty. It will be expensive - a risk on both our parts.

I am sure, however, that it will be worth every penny.

Be Virtuous

Patience is a virtue, so they say. Please practice some until I get things in order, and actually post a new blog.

It has been far too long. Shame on me!

I'm actually in the process of writing two right now, but neither are ready to put up. One is about living parallel lives and the other is about being spoiled. Unfortunately, both are topics I am quite familiar with.

As for the week, it has been unproductive. I did help out my roomate, Lori, which was fun. She is a music teacher, and I took some pictures of her students in order to sale at a performance. I might have another gig, as a result. I'm always looking for a chance to use my camera, even if I do have to take pictures "old school" style (film).

On a similar note, I said to my friend yesterday, "You have to use 'old school' entertainment - imagination". These days you don't have to imagine anything, you just have to look for it on the net. Somewhere someone did it, made it, wrote about it, made a multimedia presentation about it, is selling it.

Well, I'm off to bed. Got a busy weekend ahead of me.