Christmas

I don't even know where to begin. I have so many things that I want to talk about, but none of it is very interesting. Just some random thoughts, most of which I have already expressed to the people who ordinarily read my blogs. I may get a little scattered, so try and keep up.

I can not wait until the day after Thanksgiving, when I can finally start playing this holiday mix I have put together. Every year I create a Christmas CD that is sort of... I dunno, Christmas to me. It has some Charlie Brown's Christmas, some Christmas songs to a dance beat, some Trans-Siberian Orchestra (Christmas tunes with an electric guitar - come on, it doesn't get much better then that). But creating this CD is usually the only part of Christmas I really partake in. I don't make great plans... I just have my mom come visit, and watch my roomates' daughters open presents.

I used to go up with my parents to the mountains for Christmas. Growing up, I loved that trip. My great aunt and uncle lived in a small house, but it had a huge patio that was enclosed with 1/2 high walls with big screen windows. There back yard would be covered with snow, and lead straight into rows and rows of trees. It seemed like a huge forest at the time, only now I think that may have been my young imagination. But we'd see deer, and drink hot cocoa, and build snow men. My favorite part was getting to sleep in my sleeping bag out on that porch. It'd be so cold, but toasty inside my bag. I'd go to sleep shivering, but wake up so warm that the cold air would feel wonderful against my skin. And even though we were hours away from home, Santa was somehow always able to find us. Back then my great grandpa was alive. He would sit in his chair quietly, rarely speaking. But looking back I realize how much he loved for us to visit, and I remember that every year he would buy me a new dress.

One year we went up for Christmas, and my great grandpa had to be in a home. He came to the house for a while, but my great aunt and uncle could no longer take care of him twenty-four hours a day. I remember going to say goodbye to him in the home. He looked the same as always, straight faced, quiet. My grandmother, his daughter in law, said "We love you Frank" as we were leaving, and to my surprise he said "I'm glad someone does." I was shocked, I never knew my great grandpa had feelings, I mean, he always sat there, I never really thought about it. I felt so awful that we had to leave.

That's the last time my parents and I saw him. I'm not sure if we had any more Christmas' up there, but I don't think there were many more. We started doing Christmas at home. So pretty much it was the end of Christmas. Even more so, once my parents separated.

The last several years... probably since my sophmore year of high school, in 1999, I have felt like a drifter during the holidays. I've had holidays with my mother, with my father, with both, with friends, with other family, alone. My roomates have really included me, as much as possible, but still... I just don't have a place. And I feel worse for my mother. I can't imagine what it's like being married, having someone promise to be there forever, and then sleeping all day alone on Christmas because you had to work the night before. That's what she did last year. Last year I was supposed to be in Oklahoma with my now ex-boyfriend, and my mother was supposed to be on a cruise. Both of our trips ended up being canceled, but I don't remember why we didn't end up together. I do know, however, she has vowed never to do that again. It was too depressing.

I know a lot of people feel lonely during the holidays. Part of my sadness this year comes from knowing that I was only a "yes" away from starting my own family, and instead I said "no". I know this was the right decision, but it's still tough knowing that the lonliness was so close to ending, and now it will continue. I will be invited to 50 holiday events, but none of them will feel like cocoa and snow, sleeping on a porch in the mountains, worrying that Santa won't know I have temporarily relocated.

But while I have felt like this for years, I still have some excitement about the upcoming holidays... I have a little Christmas spirit creeping into my vains. But mostly, I am excited about new years. I feel like this year was a complete waste. If you wiped it from my life's record, I'm not sure you would even notice. Okay, lets be fair to myself... I have grown some, and at least I have made this decision once and for all. However, I am ready to put this year behind and move on to the possibilities that await me.

I'm looking forward to doing more creative work, taking some major steps toward a new career.

I'm FINALLY going to be learning how to drive! My roomate, Lori, is taking me out this weekend to practice, and my first official lessons start January 2nd! Talk about a great new year's resolution!

I'm also looking forward to healing more, and perhaps dating for the first time in.... wow.... 7 years? Gees. I can't wait to get out there, meet some new people, make some new friends.

Speaking of which, my roomate has recommended that I make some more friends who are girls. That is tough. Most girls drive me insane.

Well, it is time for bed. I will be taking the train to Merced tomorrow, my mother and I are going to see some relatives for Thanksgiving. Of course I will be back tomorrow evening, so that I have plenty of rest before my early morning shopping spree! And I'll be playing my new Christmas mix all day!