Alone.

My roomates are gone until next week leaving me to guard our 3 bedroom castle alone. But I am no more alone then I was before they left - alone in my mind, anyway. I haven't been blogging. I've barely been expressing the thoughts that are going on in my head to anyone but God, and that's only at night when I crawl into my bed to go to sleep.

Alone. I hate that word. I hate this feeling. And it's not going away anytime soon - at least not the alone I'm talking about.

I've gotten over much of the anger that I was holding toward my ex, and now all I'm left with is... nothing. Nothing but a swirling haze of vague images that periodically float together and form heart-wrenching memories.

We used to take showers together - not those kinds of showers - just "please pass the soap" and "how was your day?". I take very long showers and often he would climb out before me, wrap up in a towel, and sit on the toilet seat cover until I was finished. When I finally climbed out he would have my towel ready. He'd open it up, wrap it and his arms around me and pull me onto his lap. Then he'd hold me tight until I stopped shaking and caught my breath (climbing out of the shower with my small lung capacity is not always easy). His short hair would be soft and damp and I'd glide my fingers over it. The water would make his long eye lashes look even longer and darker, bringing out the most beautiful green eyes... eyes full of gentleness and affection. Then he'd pick me up and carry me to his room, wrap me up with blankets and we'd cuddle and kiss and watch movies.

I really love him, and memories like these have been hitting me hard this last week or two, but please be assured that I have no intention of ever dating him again. I'm just looking forward to dating some new people, when I'm ready. I'd like to make some new memories, so that I will stop worrying that I am going to be alone forever.

Well, that's all my time for this evening. Sorry that I am not writing so well, but I figured if I didn't write something then 1) I may never wite again because I'll keep putting it off and 2) my friends will continue to bother me about not blogging.

Goodnight.