New Road

I was alternating between the living room and my bedroom this evening, trying to find some activity of value that 1. Did not require any brain power and 2. was reasonably entertaining. I ventured into the den to see what my roomates were doing, hoping for some inspiration, and found Bill lacing up his shoes. He was on his way to have coffee with a mutual friend of ours. I invited myself along, being too bored to have manners. I did ask if he minded, and wasn't sure if his "Yeah, it's fine" was genuine, but nevertheless I tagged along.

We were sitting drinking our overpriced Starbucks beverages when I decided to step away for a few moments. Afterall, I had invited myself so I thought it would be polite to let them have a some time to talk without me there. So I walked around the building and onto a sidewalk that runs between it and busy Pacific Avenue. It was dark, except the lights from the Starbucks and cars wissing by in both directions. As they passed I could feel the weight of the air tip my balance slightly. It's a little exhilirating, standing right next to a busy road. Not sky diving exhilirating, but still, the feeling that a large moving object is zooming by so closely that its proximity makes you blink, and question your balance for a moment, is an interesting one.

When I looked into the blur of lights I was transported back to another roadside I had once stood at, staring into the same speeding sight. I was 15, and very depressed about my lack of control in this world. I have always had a strong sense of responsibility for the care of my friends, and at that time I was so frustrated with not being able to save them from their problems. My friends were on drugs, drinking, cutting, sleeping around. I did what I could - I stood up for them, I listened to them, I took them in whenever they needed it. But there came a point where I realized that they were not going to stop. Some of them still haven't.

Then there were the friends who were being beaten, raped, taken advantage of. Once again I did what I could - I reported to counselors, to CPS. Still none of their situations changed.

This was also the year that we were instensly learning about the Holocaust. The books we read, the pictures we saw, the movies we watched - they affected me deeply. We even had a survivor come and tell her story to us. Afterwards I just sat in my chair as everyone else left. I wanted to talk to her, and did briefly. This subject was overloading me, and I was almost pulled out of my class for the remaining weeks.

The issues with my friends and these horrific stories all lead to my overall feeling of hopelessness about the world. Finally I was pushed over the edge.

I had a friend named Sean who was very special to me. He was an awesome person - the type that people were drawn to because he was so accepting and kind. He was also emotionally tormented and harmful to himself. One day he was in class and started screaming that the walls were closing in on him. In his panic he tied himself to his chair and hid under it. He had to be forcefully removed. When I heard about this it terrified me.

What could I do?? This wasn't external. This wasn't a little drugs, or even a lot of drugs. This was my good friend flipping out. Whether it was for attention or not for attention - either way he had gone to a new level. I didn't know what to do. Nothing made any sense.

That night my fairly new friend at the time, Caleb, dragged me to youth group at church, and man I hated it. I just sat there listening to "Don't do drugs. Don't have sex." I couldn't take it anymore, so I walked outside. I walked around the building to where there was a little bit of grass. There was a fence, and on the other side there was a brown dog.

The church building was right next to a busy street. I walked towards the street and stood next to it. There was no sidewalk, the road just ran right into the dirt ground. I stared into the blur of speeding cars. What was the point? Why even live if you can't make a difference in this world? If you listen, and you love, and you protect, and you lecture, and you try everything else that you're your young mind can imagine, and still no changes?

Hopeless.

I started crying and walking back toward the church. But the closer I got the more I kept crying, until finally I stopped moving. I turned around and faced the road. "I should run right into that street," I thought, "Just jump right in." So I started running. I could feel the adrenaline kick in and my anxiety level rising. I got closer and closer. I reached the dirt edge and was about to step onto the gravel when suddenly I heard, "bark bark!" from the dog on the other side of the fence. I stopped immediately.

There have been several times in my life where I wanted to kill myself. My friend Matt once told me that once you consider suicide an option in a crisis then the option will present itself during every trial you go through after that. Matt was a wise guy. But the truth is, I have never actually wanted to kill myself. Sure, I have thought "I want to die!" but I don't think I have ever meant it. Not even close. I was not rushing toward traffic to die, I was rushing toward an end. I wanted my pain to be over. I wanted my friends' pains to be gone. But I didn't want to die - it was merely the only guaranteed end to my struggles that I could see at that moment. Besides, if I had really been set on death, wouldn't it take more then barking to stop me?

And it did stop me. I cried. I cried hard. Everytime I opened my eyes and saw the road I began to cry again. Then I turned to look at the church, and cried harder. Finally I wiped the tears from my face and caught my breath. I walked back towards the church, not wanting to go back to that trivial meeting. I saw the adult meeting in progress, and sat down on a seat in the back. It did me a lot of good to hear adult conversation.

I can't remember exactly how it happened, but I ended up speaking one-on-one with the youth pastor in his office. His name was Roger. I started crying again, and told him that I didn't understand why bad things happen to good people. I don't know what I was expecting, but what I got was the first practical explanation that I had ever heard.

A man is driving down the street, when another car pulls alongside him on the left. The car on the left decides to drive off the cliff that is to the right of the highway, and abruptly veers accross the other lanes, hitting the first car and two others along the way. Free will. Guy on the left makes a choice, which God allows him to do. His choice affects other people.

I had many other questions. Not only would he give me practical answers, but more importantly he'd show me scripture. I started visiting him regularly, when I was feeling lost, and I am very thankful for that time.

Standing beside Starbucks, remembering that evening, made me think about how much I have changed since then. Once I stood in front of a road, upset because I could not stand my circumstances and could not see any other choice. Tonight I struggled in front of a new road. But this time I stepped away from the curb with no desire for its answer. I now know that God has infinite answers to everything I am dealing with, both seen and unseen. I also know now that I do not have to be so over dramatic in my pain.

I turned around and returned to my friends, thankful for where I am right now. I may have a lot of things that I deal with, but I find comfort knowing that a brown dog can appear anywhere and at any time. Not only will it appear, but I can seek it out for myself. I do not need to go looking for pain, dwell in my pain - I can seek out scripture, or friends to talk to.